I have started a separate blog to post all the letters I wrote Mr. F at the start of our relationship. If you are interested, I will be posting them @ GoodbyeMySunshine. For now there is a short intro explaining what I am doing and why. I plan to post the first letter tomorrow.
I woke up this morning to the below FB messages. At some point she must have noticed that I was not responding and became incensed because she starts blaming me for this situation. I find it laughable that she is trying to play victim in the messages. She admitted she knew he was married and continued to engage in the affair. You cant cry victim when you were fully aware and made the choice to continue on with your actions.
I find it interesting (but not surprising) that his ex-mistress goes from blaming Mr. F ( FB Conversations ) to blaming me. I can say that I don’t hold her responsible for this affair since we do not know each other and she does not owe me anything.
I hold my spouse responsible for his infidelity, the hurt he has caused, and his poor decisions.
I hold myself responsible for my codependency, my poor choices and the years I tolerated intolerable behavior.
I hold his ex-mistress responsible for initiating contact with me in May (in response to Mr. F blocking/ghosting her). I did not appreciate her dragging me into the middle, demanding I condone friendship, and dumping on me for something I have no control over. I also hold her responsible for last night’s car accident (see below).
I stopped responding last night after her “idling” comment. I refrained this morning and do not plan on allowing her to bait me into anymore conversation. It is now obvious to me that his ex-mistress is unpredictable and potentially dangerous. I did not want to fan the flames. (Mr. F had to take a restraining order out on the last mistress because she keyed both of our cars, slashed my tires, showed up at our house, and threatened to go to my work.)
Mr. F’s ex-mistress stalked him to a local hangout. Initially he was not there so she waited and circled the parking lot five times (as evidenced by the security camera). He didn’t see her and proceeded to park. I was on the phone with Mr. F via Bluetooth. She proceeded to pull in directly behind his car – effectively blocking him into the spot. His ex-mistress gets out of her vehicle screaming obscenities and banging on his driver window. Mr. F who is on the phone and now panicking (at the sight of her) – immediately tries to remove himself from the scene. He puts the car in reverse and promptly backs into her vehicle. At this point there is a crowd gathered outside of the establishment.
The security camera of the establishment captures it all on camera and the owner gives it to my husband (she happens to be one of his actual friends). He calls the police after she leaves and relays what occurred in the parking lot. The police tell him that they can’t do anything or even take a report. Basically, the accident happened on private property and there must be more of a pattern to establish stalking.
Side Note: In response to her below comment about me threatening to commit suicide. She is correct, my husband was lying about that statement. The only time I have ever said that to him directly was in 2013. About two weeks before Christmas that year, my husband’s then mistress called me on my cell phone while I was at work. I was blindsided and did not know he was having an affair. That year had been particularly bad for me – I had met with a man who had been held in captivity with my father prior to his death, I was working in a very stressful/high visibility position at work, I was struggling with PTSD over the circumstances of my father’s death and I had been isolating myself from family/friends because I was feeling like a failure in all aspects of my life.
Lately I struggle with suicidal ideation on a daily basis. I started this blog as a way to cope with these feelings and to establish the habit of journaling. I feel like I cannot share these feelings with anyone in my support system because they will report me and I will be “voluntold” to commit myself.
For those of you that don’t know…if you attempt to commit suicide the hospital can hold you on a 5150. The term 5150 means you are a danger to yourself or others. By law they can hold you for 72 hours under a 5150. The funniest part (I find humor in the strangest places) is that when they go to commit you, they ask you to sign a form saying you voluntarily committed yourself. They, however, tell you if you don’t sign the form you will be committed forcibly. Basically, they are saying you have a choice but you don’t have a choice. This is why I call it being “voluntold”.
I need to find a new counselor.
Sunday, June 10 @ 1206
Today, I decided to ask my husband why sex has always been so vanilla between us. We have been married for almost 18 years. Here is his answer:
“Early in the marriage when you brought up pain and stuff like that I didn’t think it was right…I couldn’t wrap my head around hurting someone you love for pleasure. It seemed wrong and deviant to me. As I got older I read more and realized I was dumb, but I had caused so much damage to our trust by then I knew if I brought it up at all it would cause issues. “
My husband then proceeded to do what any reasonable person would do given the above situation. First he decided I was a deviant and made me feel inadequate. He next slowed sex down to a trickle. Then he decided to change his mind about BDSM. At which point, he found a mistress to help him explore this new hobby. Never once trying to communicate any of this to me though I begged him to open up.
I have been holding on for so long. Far longer than I would have ever thought or dreamed.
Sometimes I feel like my life is a washing machine. In go the soiled parts of our life together, I start the load, rinse and repeat. But the clothes never come out clean. A certain sour odor clings faintly to everything and the stains remain. The colors have become less vibrant with time , the whites are dingy and the the darks are faded.
I hate you, I love you, I cant live without you and I cant live with you.
I know its not my fault. I know the things that you do, you do for you. It’s not my fault but I still feel the consequences and the pain is very real. I know you cant stop. I know you wont stop. I know a part of you doesn’t want to stop. I know a a different part of you probably wants to stop.
I also know that for me there are only two ways for this to end. I tried the first way and we both know how that went – I failed. The second option is arguably the harder and more painful path. It means letting go of the pain, sadness, sense of failure, hope, and my heart. It means letting go of you and giving up on us. There was a time I would have chosen death over this option…but it came and it went…and here I still stand.
You will say you don’t know why…that you have done nothing…but you know why and how…and honestly everything that came before would be reason enough. But I cant continue tolerating your lies, omissions, and half truths. I deserve more. I have always deserved more.
I have spent a lot of time reflecting upon the choices you and I have made in the past couple weeks.
I have begun to realize that I am the one who can’t make up my mind.
You as always are consistent in your actions. Consistent in your words. Consistent at saying one thing and doing another.
I used to think that if I could find the right words…but I have written you hundreds of letters, sent emails and said everything one could possibly say…
I used to think if I could find the right sacrifice…so I moved thousands of miles, dropped out of college, turned downed countless opportunities, and bought this house…
I used to think if I could just find the right lifestyle…so I went to strip clubs, web cammed for other people with you, tried to open the relationship, and cheated like you did…
I used to think…