As I sort through these Old Love Letters I find the image of the girl who wrote them to be just out of my reach.
That’s not to say that I don’t remember writing them. On the contrary, they were as vital to me as the air I breathed at the time.
I just don’t remember the girl who use to dot exclamation marks and “i”s with hearts.
And the feelings I thought I would feel seem to be absent (sadness, pain, laughter, etc).
Instead I find myself feeling numb. It’s as if I am reading about someone else’s life.
The numbness is terrifying.
I have started a separate blog to post all the letters I wrote Mr. F at the start of our relationship. If you are interested, I will be posting them @ GoodbyeMySunshine. For now there is a short intro explaining what I am doing and why. I plan to post the first letter tomorrow.
I have been holding on for so long. Far longer than I would have ever thought or dreamed.
Sometimes I feel like my life is a washing machine. In go the soiled parts of our life together, I start the load, rinse and repeat. But the clothes never come out clean. A certain sour odor clings faintly to everything and the stains remain. The colors have become less vibrant with time , the whites are dingy and the the darks are faded.
I hate you, I love you, I cant live without you and I cant live with you.
I know its not my fault. I know the things that you do, you do for you. It’s not my fault but I still feel the consequences and the pain is very real. I know you cant stop. I know you wont stop. I know a part of you doesn’t want to stop. I know a a different part of you probably wants to stop.
I also know that for me there are only two ways for this to end. I tried the first way and we both know how that went – I failed. The second option is arguably the harder and more painful path. It means letting go of the pain, sadness, sense of failure, hope, and my heart. It means letting go of you and giving up on us. There was a time I would have chosen death over this option…but it came and it went…and here I still stand.
You will say you don’t know why…that you have done nothing…but you know why and how…and honestly everything that came before would be reason enough. But I cant continue tolerating your lies, omissions, and half truths. I deserve more. I have always deserved more.
I have spent a lot of time reflecting upon the choices you and I have made in the past couple weeks.
I have begun to realize that I am the one who can’t make up my mind.
You as always are consistent in your actions. Consistent in your words. Consistent at saying one thing and doing another.
I used to think that if I could find the right words…but I have written you hundreds of letters, sent emails and said everything one could possibly say…
I used to think if I could find the right sacrifice…so I moved thousands of miles, dropped out of college, turned downed countless opportunities, and bought this house…
I used to think if I could just find the right lifestyle…so I went to strip clubs, web cammed for other people with you, tried to open the relationship, and cheated like you did…
I used to think…