The below letter came in the mail this past Saturday. It was postmarked Monday, May 28. I recognized the handwriting as belonging to my husband immediately. In that moment, I felt my heart speed up, a dull roaring in my ears and some dizziness.
I set the letter down on the dining room table and stared at it for five minutes with great anxiety. I found myself frozen and unable to open it. I felt the fear of the unknown. I thought of the unpleasant surprises I’ve had over the past five years. The ones that still keep me from answering the door or my phone.
I pondered all the times I chose to kick myself when I was already bleeding out on the ground. I decided to make a different decision. I allowed myself the time to prepare my mind and heart for whatever the letter held.
This afternoon my husband asked if I had received it. I went home and read what is written below
Dear Ms Polvora,
The last week, honestly the last few months have been trying for us. I have done a lot of reading, soul searching and reflecting on life, love, and the issues I have. One of the things you asked me really stuck with me because I was unable to give you an answer that satisfied you. That question was, “How do you know you love me?” I read an article that really struck home for me. I’ll summarize it here the best I can.
We fall in love with three people in our life, and there is a reason for each one. The first love is when we are young – high school usually. It is “idealistic love.” It is the fairy tale love that we enter into even if things are not quite perfect because it is what we believe love is supposed to be.
The second love is our “hard love.” This love is what teaches who we are and how we want or need to be loved. A lot of the time it is unhealthy, unbalanced, or narcissistic. It acts like a drug with wild highs and lows. It’s addicting and trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it should. It’s the love we wished we got right or that we wished was right.
The third love is the one we didn’t see coming. It looks wrong and shatters any lingering ideas of what we thought love was supposed to be. It comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It cant be explained or planned for. It just fits. It’s not what we envisioned, it doesn’t abide by the rules we set to up to play it safe. It just feels right.
The thing that really struck me as I read this is that I went through all of this with you. Not three different people, but three different stages of life and love with you.
We have our issues and I have damaged so much. But the love I feel is deep, true, honest, and passionate. You complete my soul, you give meaning, and happiness to my life. I very honestly and very truly love you. I will do whatever I can to save this love and repair the damage I have done. I will be worthy of your love again.
I love you and I miss you more than you will ever know… Mr. Fundir