Just out of reach

As I sort through these Old Love Letters I find the image of the girl who wrote them to be just out of my reach.

That’s not to say that I don’t remember writing them. On the contrary, they were as vital to me as the air I breathed at the time.

I just don’t remember the girl who use to dot exclamation marks and “i”s with hearts.

And the feelings I thought I would feel seem to be absent (sadness, pain, laughter, etc).

Instead I find myself feeling numb. It’s as if I am reading about someone else’s life.

The numbness is terrifying.

Facebook conversations with his ex-mistress Cont’d

I woke up this morning to the below FB messages. At some point she must have noticed that I was not responding and became incensed because she starts blaming me for this situation. I find it laughable that she is trying to play victim in the messages. She admitted she knew he was married and continued to engage in the affair. You cant cry victim when you were fully aware and made the choice to continue on with your actions.

I find it interesting (but not surprising) that his ex-mistress goes from blaming Mr. F ( FB Conversations ) to blaming me. I can say that I don’t hold her responsible for this affair since we do not know each other and she does not owe me anything.

I hold my spouse responsible for his infidelity, the hurt he has caused, and his poor decisions.

I hold myself responsible for my codependency, my poor choices and the years I tolerated intolerable behavior.

I hold his ex-mistress responsible for initiating contact with me in May (in response to Mr. F blocking/ghosting her). I did not appreciate her dragging me into the middle, demanding I condone friendship, and dumping on me for something I have no control over. I also hold her responsible for last night’s car accident (see below).

I stopped responding last night after her “idling” comment. I refrained this morning and do not plan on allowing her to bait me into anymore conversation. It is now obvious to me that his ex-mistress is unpredictable and potentially dangerous. I did not want to fan the flames.  (Mr. F had to take a restraining order out on the last mistress because she keyed both of our cars, slashed my tires, showed up at our house, and threatened to go to my work.)

Last night…

Mr. F’s ex-mistress stalked him to a local hangout. Initially he was not there so she waited and circled the parking lot five times (as evidenced by the security camera). He didn’t see her and proceeded to park. I was on the phone with Mr. F via Bluetooth. She proceeded to pull in directly behind his car – effectively blocking him into the spot. His ex-mistress gets out of her vehicle screaming obscenities and banging on his driver window. Mr. F who is on the phone and now panicking (at the sight of her) – immediately tries to remove himself from the scene. He puts the car in reverse and promptly backs into her vehicle. At this point there is a crowd gathered outside of the establishment.

The security camera of the establishment captures it all on camera and the owner gives it to my husband (she happens to be one of his actual friends). He calls the police after she leaves and relays what occurred in the parking lot. The police tell him that they can’t do anything or even take a report. Basically, the accident happened on private property and there must be more of a pattern to establish stalking.

Side Note: In response to her below comment about me threatening to commit suicide. She is correct, my husband was lying about that statement.  The only time I have ever said that to him directly was in 2013. About two weeks before Christmas that year, my husband’s then mistress called me on my cell phone while I was at work. I was blindsided and did not know he was having an affair. That year had been particularly bad for me – I had met with a man who had been held in captivity with my father prior to his death, I was working in a very stressful/high visibility position at work, I was struggling with PTSD over the circumstances of my father’s death and I had been isolating myself from family/friends because I was feeling like a failure in all aspects of my life.

Lately I struggle with suicidal ideation on a daily basis. I started this blog as a way to cope with these feelings and to establish the habit of journaling. I feel like I cannot share these feelings with anyone in my support system because they will report me and I will be “voluntold” to commit myself.  

For those of you that don’t know…if you attempt to commit suicide the hospital can hold you on a 5150.  The term 5150 means you are a danger to yourself or others.  By law they can hold you for 72 hours under a 5150.  The funniest part (I find humor in the strangest places) is that when they go to commit you, they ask you to sign a form saying you voluntarily committed yourself.  They, however, tell you if you don’t sign the form you will be committed forcibly.  Basically, they are saying you have a choice but you don’t have a choice.  This is why I call it being “voluntold”.

I need to find a new counselor.

Sunday, June 10 @ 1206