Facebook conversations with his ex-mistress Cont’d

I woke up this morning to the below FB messages. At some point she must have noticed that I was not responding and became incensed because she starts blaming me for this situation. I find it laughable that she is trying to play victim in the messages. She admitted she knew he was married and continued to engage in the affair. You cant cry victim when you were fully aware and made the choice to continue on with your actions.

I find it interesting (but not surprising) that his ex-mistress goes from blaming Mr. F ( FB Conversations ) to blaming me. I can say that I don’t hold her responsible for this affair since we do not know each other and she does not owe me anything.

I hold my spouse responsible for his infidelity, the hurt he has caused, and his poor decisions.

I hold myself responsible for my codependency, my poor choices and the years I tolerated intolerable behavior.

I hold his ex-mistress responsible for initiating contact with me in May (in response to Mr. F blocking/ghosting her). I did not appreciate her dragging me into the middle, demanding I condone friendship, and dumping on me for something I have no control over. I also hold her responsible for last night’s car accident (see below).

I stopped responding last night after her “idling” comment. I refrained this morning and do not plan on allowing her to bait me into anymore conversation. It is now obvious to me that his ex-mistress is unpredictable and potentially dangerous. I did not want to fan the flames.  (Mr. F had to take a restraining order out on the last mistress because she keyed both of our cars, slashed my tires, showed up at our house, and threatened to go to my work.)


Last night…

Mr. F’s ex-mistress stalked him to a local hangout. Initially he was not there so she waited and circled the parking lot five times (as evidenced by the security camera). He didn’t see her and proceeded to park. I was on the phone with Mr. F via Bluetooth. She proceeded to pull in directly behind his car – effectively blocking him into the spot. His ex-mistress gets out of her vehicle screaming obscenities and banging on his driver window. Mr. F who is on the phone and now panicking (at the sight of her) – immediately tries to remove himself from the scene. He puts the car in reverse and promptly backs into her vehicle. At this point there is a crowd gathered outside of the establishment.

The security camera of the establishment captures it all on camera and the owner gives it to my husband (she happens to be one of his actual friends). He calls the police after she leaves and relays what occurred in the parking lot. The police tell him that they can’t do anything or even take a report. Basically, the accident happened on private property and there must be more of a pattern to establish stalking.


Side Note: In response to her below comment about me threatening to commit suicide. She is correct, my husband was lying about that statement.  The only time I have ever said that to him directly was in 2013. About two weeks before Christmas that year, my husband’s then mistress called me on my cell phone while I was at work. I was blindsided and did not know he was having an affair. That year had been particularly bad for me – I had met with a man who had been held in captivity with my father prior to his death, I was working in a very stressful/high visibility position at work, I was struggling with PTSD over the circumstances of my father’s death and I had been isolating myself from family/friends because I was feeling like a failure in all aspects of my life.

Lately I struggle with suicidal ideation on a daily basis. I started this blog as a way to cope with these feelings and to establish the habit of journaling. I feel like I cannot share these feelings with anyone in my support system because they will report me and I will be “voluntold” to commit myself.  

For those of you that don’t know…if you attempt to commit suicide the hospital can hold you on a 5150.  The term 5150 means you are a danger to yourself or others.  By law they can hold you for 72 hours under a 5150.  The funniest part (I find humor in the strangest places) is that when they go to commit you, they ask you to sign a form saying you voluntarily committed yourself.  They, however, tell you if you don’t sign the form you will be committed forcibly.  Basically, they are saying you have a choice but you don’t have a choice.  This is why I call it being “voluntold”.

I need to find a new counselor.


Sunday, June 10 @ 1206

Facebook conversations with his ex-mistress

Yes I realize this is probably an unhealthy conversation and relationship to have, but whats one more unhealthy thing on top of all the others. So what the hell…

The roof of this house is on fire and we are still trying to find the family photos and fix the windows. No ones’ even called the fire department.


For context, this conversation started May 18 after my husband (aka Mr. F) attempted to ghost his ex-mistress. It is was about 1600 that day and he was packing to fly back to his duty station. His mistress gets irate once she learns he has blocked her and has no intent of speaking to her.

I’m clueless until I open my email and see her friend request + FB message. Mr. F tries to lie and say that he has had no contact. I promptly call him on his BS – especially because his ex-mistress is actively tattling on him at that point. He then is forced to stop the gaslighting, attempts to bargain, beg, and cry. Two hours later he is on a plane back to his duty station and (not for the first time) I am left with a bunch of broken pieces.

The next day the ex-mistress continues to tattle via FB messenger because she is vindictive and hurt.

Fast forward today when the conversation picks up around 1810 (June 9).


MAY 18-19 – PART 1

MAY 19 CONTD & JUNE 9 (TODAY)

Why were you always so vanilla…?

Today, I decided to ask my husband why sex has always been so vanilla between us. We have been married for almost 18 years. Here is his answer:

“Early in the marriage when you brought up pain and stuff like that I didn’t think it was right…I couldn’t wrap my head around hurting someone you love for pleasure. It seemed wrong and deviant to me. As I got older I read more and realized I was dumb, but I had caused so much damage to our trust by then I knew if I brought it up at all it would cause issues. “

My husband then proceeded to do what any reasonable person would do given the above situation. First he decided I was a deviant and made me feel inadequate. He next slowed sex down to a trickle. Then he decided to change his mind about BDSM. At which point, he found a mistress to help him explore this new hobby. Never once trying to communicate any of this to me though I begged him to open up.

Draft Letter 2 (06/17/2017)

I have been holding on for so long. Far longer than I would have ever thought or dreamed.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a washing machine. In go the soiled parts of our life together, I start the load, rinse and repeat. But the clothes never come out clean. A certain sour odor clings faintly to everything and the stains remain. The colors have become less vibrant with time , the whites are dingy and the the darks are faded.

I hate you, I love you, I cant live without you and I cant live with you.

I know its not my fault. I know the things that you do, you do for you. It’s not my fault but I still feel the consequences and the pain is very real. I know you cant stop. I know you wont stop. I know a part of you doesn’t want to stop. I know a a different part of you probably wants to stop.

I also know that for me there are only two ways for this to end. I tried the first way and we both know how that went – I failed. The second option is arguably the harder and more painful path. It means letting go of the pain, sadness, sense of failure, hope, and my heart. It means letting go of you and giving up on us. There was a time I would have chosen death over this option…but it came and it went…and here I still stand.

You will say you don’t know why…that you have done nothing…but you know why and how…and honestly everything that came before would be reason enough. But I cant continue tolerating your lies, omissions, and half truths. I deserve more. I have always deserved more.

Draft Letter 1 (11/20/2015)

I have spent a lot of time reflecting upon the choices you and I have made in the past couple weeks.

I have begun to realize that I am the one who can’t make up my mind.

You as always are consistent in your actions. Consistent in your words. Consistent at saying one thing and doing another.

I used to think that if I could find the right words…but I have written you hundreds of letters, sent emails and said everything one could possibly say…

I used to think if I could find the right sacrifice…so I moved thousands of miles, dropped out of college, turned downed countless opportunities, and bought this house…

I used to think if I could just find the right lifestyle…so I went to strip clubs, web cammed for other people with you, tried to open the relationship, and cheated like you did…

I used to think…

Three Kinds of Love

The below letter came in the mail this past Saturday. It was postmarked Monday, May 28. I recognized the handwriting as belonging to my husband immediately. In that moment, I felt my heart speed up, a dull roaring in my ears and some dizziness.

I set the letter down on the dining room table and stared at it for five minutes with great anxiety. I found myself frozen and unable to open it. I felt the fear of the unknown. I thought of the unpleasant surprises I’ve had over the past five years. The ones that still keep me from answering the door or my phone.

I pondered all the times I chose to kick myself when I was already bleeding out on the ground. I decided to make a different decision. I allowed myself the time to prepare my mind and heart for whatever the letter held.

This afternoon my husband asked if I had received it. I went home and read what is written below

Dear Ms Polvora,

The last week, honestly the last few months have been trying for us. I have done a lot of reading, soul searching and reflecting on life, love, and the issues I have. One of the things you asked me really stuck with me because I was unable to give you an answer that satisfied you. That question was, “How do you know you love me?” I read an article that really struck home for me. I’ll summarize it here the best I can.

We fall in love with three people in our life, and there is a reason for each one. The first love is when we are young – high school usually. It is “idealistic love.” It is the fairy tale love that we enter into even if things are not quite perfect because it is what we believe love is supposed to be.

The second love is our “hard love.” This love is what teaches who we are and how we want or need to be loved. A lot of the time it is unhealthy, unbalanced, or narcissistic. It acts like a drug with wild highs and lows. It’s addicting and trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it should. It’s the love we wished we got right or that we wished was right.

The third love is the one we didn’t see coming. It looks wrong and shatters any lingering ideas of what we thought love was supposed to be. It comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It cant be explained or planned for. It just fits. It’s not what we envisioned, it doesn’t abide by the rules we set to up to play it safe. It just feels right.

The thing that really struck me as I read this is that I went through all of this with you. Not three different people, but three different stages of life and love with you.

We have our issues and I have damaged so much. But the love I feel is deep, true, honest, and passionate. You complete my soul, you give meaning, and happiness to my life. I very honestly and very truly love you. I will do whatever I can to save this love and repair the damage I have done. I will be worthy of your love again.

I love you and I miss you more than you will ever know… Mr. Fundir

Sunday Thoughts

  • I am imperfect
  • I needed an action tracker to manage my tasks
  • My face is breaking out
  • My PCOS is manifesting itself on my chin
  • I’m too fat
  • I’m so out of control
  • I’m unlovable
  • My humor is only funny to me
  • I can’t take care of myself
  • Only my dogs love me
  • I’m a fraud…faking my way through life and work
  • Everything is falling apart
  • I crave some company but when I have it…it’s too much pressure
  • I obsess about what I said, how I should have said it, and how I could have done better
  • I enter this house and it’s a struggle to leave, live, or be social

It’s back…those unguarded moments…when I find myself saying it…without thinking…it slips out…the answer that is no answer…my mouth opens and my voice whispers it to myself…I want to kill myself

But I can’t, I won’t, I’ve made promises to myself, my husband, my family, and God.

I’m scared deep down in my soul. I’ve spent my whole life saying those swords to myself…with only months, days, seconds … as brief reprieves.

It would be ungrateful, selfish to my husband, family, dogs, and cowardly.

I just get so tired of the thoughts, the pressure, the overwhelming sadness, the weight of everything…

My time is not done…there is still much to do and say…a life to live…I can’t keep pissing each day away in this prison inside my head…