Little Sister

I have a sister. She is 15 years younger than me. I changed her diapers, made her bottles a night, and took her to/from daycare on the bus. She was practically my daughter when we were younger and as an adult she is my best friend. When her day goes wrong, she needs advice or help she calls me. Just like when she was a baby.

As I watch her wet her feet in the dating world…I am overcome with anxiety. She is young, sheltered and naive. Her heart is kind, compassionate, and sweet. I remember what it was like to be that young, trusting and innocent. My sister is so certain she can take care of herself and that we are all too protective.

How do I explain to her that the world is a rough place. That you have already met the person most likely to rape you. He is in your circle of friends and acquaintances. Or that even the best of friends can fail to act or take care of you…by being drunk too or lost in their own drama.

As an adult I have been raped several times. Once while I was passed out with my best friend in the room next to me – she was drunk too. Another time by a boyfriend who wouldn’t stop even when I asked him too. Still another time I was attacked walking to my car while I was in college.

Would I be forgiven? *Trigger Warning*

I myself had every opportunity to live that life…maybe my addict would have forgiven me or maybe not. But none of that matters because I would never have been able to forgive myself had I chosen that path.

A Couples Journey of Recovery from Sex Addiction

I am going to be very sexually explicit in describing his actions and I don’t want to trigger anyone…please don’t read if this will cause you trauma.

Would I be forgiven if I:

  • Wrapped my mouth around other men’s cocks
  • Asked other men to perform oral sex on me
  • Gave men hand jobs in cars
  • Allowed men to fondle me in cars
  • Planned and told lies days in advance so that I could have sex with other men
  • Planned and told lies weeks in advance so that I could go on weekend getaways with other men
  • Asked men to send me naked pictures
  • Sent naked pictures of myself in our room to multiple men
  • Sent videos of myself masturbating
  • Sexted multiple other men in our house
  • Told multiple other men I wanted to fuck them
  • Had phone sex with multiple men in our house, at work, and in my car

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Restraining Order 2014

Different Girl…Different State

  • This one slashed my tires
  • Keyed my car
  • Dented the rear end of my car
  • Threatened to come to my work/home
  • Called my cell multiple times
  • Keyed “Fuck You” into the driver side door of Mr F’s car
  • Filed an RO against me after she was served with Mr F’s RO – stating that I had made threats, shown up at her husbands work, and threatened her children. I of course had never met her in person, did not know anything about her and RO was nothing but lies. RO was eventually dropped with prejudice. My lawyer said that the retaliatory RO just help bolster our case for harassment.

This RO is up in 2019…This is my life…As a result of this incident I…

  • Installed 8 surveillance cameras at my house
  • Installed a RingPro
  • Don’t answer the door anymore EVER
  • Don’t answer phone calls unless I know who is calling
  • Have worsened PTSD and anxiety
  • And am never surprised by how things can always get worse

Just out of reach

As I sort through these Old Love Letters I find the image of the girl who wrote them to be just out of my reach.

That’s not to say that I don’t remember writing them. On the contrary, they were as vital to me as the air I breathed at the time.

I just don’t remember the girl who use to dot exclamation marks and “i”s with hearts.

And the feelings I thought I would feel seem to be absent (sadness, pain, laughter, etc).

Instead I find myself feeling numb. It’s as if I am reading about someone else’s life.

The numbness is terrifying.