Would I be forgiven? *Trigger Warning*

I myself had every opportunity to live that life…maybe my addict would have forgiven me or maybe not. But none of that matters because I would never have been able to forgive myself had I chosen that path.

A Couples Journey of Recovery from Sex Addiction

I am going to be very sexually explicit in describing his actions and I don’t want to trigger anyone…please don’t read if this will cause you trauma.

Would I be forgiven if I:

  • Wrapped my mouth around other men’s cocks
  • Asked other men to perform oral sex on me
  • Gave men hand jobs in cars
  • Allowed men to fondle me in cars
  • Planned and told lies days in advance so that I could have sex with other men
  • Planned and told lies weeks in advance so that I could go on weekend getaways with other men
  • Asked men to send me naked pictures
  • Sent naked pictures of myself in our room to multiple men
  • Sent videos of myself masturbating
  • Sexted multiple other men in our house
  • Told multiple other men I wanted to fuck them
  • Had phone sex with multiple men in our house, at work, and in my car

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Restraining Order 2014

Different Girl…Different State

  • This one slashed my tires
  • Keyed my car
  • Dented the rear end of my car
  • Threatened to come to my work/home
  • Called my cell multiple times
  • Keyed “Fuck You” into the driver side door of Mr F’s car
  • Filed an RO against me after she was served with Mr F’s RO – stating that I had made threats, shown up at her husbands work, and threatened her children. I of course had never met her in person, did not know anything about her and RO was nothing but lies. RO was eventually dropped with prejudice. My lawyer said that the retaliatory RO just help bolster our case for harassment.

This RO is up in 2019…This is my life…As a result of this incident I…

  • Installed 8 surveillance cameras at my house
  • Installed a RingPro
  • Don’t answer the door anymore EVER
  • Don’t answer phone calls unless I know who is calling
  • Have worsened PTSD and anxiety
  • And am never surprised by how things can always get worse

Just out of reach

As I sort through these Old Love Letters I find the image of the girl who wrote them to be just out of my reach.

That’s not to say that I don’t remember writing them. On the contrary, they were as vital to me as the air I breathed at the time.

I just don’t remember the girl who use to dot exclamation marks and “i”s with hearts.

And the feelings I thought I would feel seem to be absent (sadness, pain, laughter, etc).

Instead I find myself feeling numb. It’s as if I am reading about someone else’s life.

The numbness is terrifying.

Why were you always so vanilla…?

Today, I decided to ask my husband why sex has always been so vanilla between us. We have been married for almost 18 years. Here is his answer:

“Early in the marriage when you brought up pain and stuff like that I didn’t think it was right…I couldn’t wrap my head around hurting someone you love for pleasure. It seemed wrong and deviant to me. As I got older I read more and realized I was dumb, but I had caused so much damage to our trust by then I knew if I brought it up at all it would cause issues. “

My husband then proceeded to do what any reasonable person would do given the above situation. First he decided I was a deviant and made me feel inadequate. He next slowed sex down to a trickle. Then he decided to change his mind about BDSM. At which point, he found a mistress to help him explore this new hobby. Never once trying to communicate any of this to me though I begged him to open up.