Biggest Secret in the room 6/21/2018

“You never want to be the person with the biggest secret in the room.” – a quote from one of my previous bosses.

Lately, I have been the person with the biggest secret in the room. I hide behind smiles, turn conversations away from myself, and say I’m fine.

I am turning inward and retreating into myself. As I pass through the maze that is my mind, I latch windows and lock doors. I internalize everything and seek out the numbness that keeps me sane.

The one thing I cannot lockout is the nightmares. They are always there waiting for me to reach max capacity. They seep into the cracks of my carefully crafted facade waiting for me to slip into unconsciousness. The minute my mind relaxes they attack in full force. All my fears, insecurities, and unresolved issues band together to invade my dreams.

The past repeats itself in my head. I awake in a cold sweat less rested than when I shut my eyes.

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