Today, I decided to ask my husband why sex has always been so vanilla between us. We have been married for almost 18 years. Here is his answer:
“Early in the marriage when you brought up pain and stuff like that I didn’t think it was right…I couldn’t wrap my head around hurting someone you love for pleasure. It seemed wrong and deviant to me. As I got older I read more and realized I was dumb, but I had caused so much damage to our trust by then I knew if I brought it up at all it would cause issues. “
My husband then proceeded to do what any reasonable person would do given the above situation. First he decided I was a deviant and made me feel inadequate. He next slowed sex down to a trickle. Then he decided to change his mind about BDSM. At which point, he found a mistress to help him explore this new hobby. Never once trying to communicate any of this to me though I begged him to open up.