Sunday Thoughts

  • I am imperfect
  • I needed an action tracker to manage my tasks
  • My face is breaking out
  • My PCOS is manifesting itself on my chin
  • I’m too fat
  • I’m so out of control
  • I’m unlovable
  • My humor is only funny to me
  • I can’t take care of myself
  • Only my dogs love me
  • I’m a fraud…faking my way through life and work
  • Everything is falling apart
  • I crave some company but when I have it…it’s too much pressure
  • I obsess about what I said, how I should have said it, and how I could have done better
  • I enter this house and it’s a struggle to leave, live, or be social

It’s back…those unguarded moments…when I find myself saying it…without thinking…it slips out…the answer that is no answer…my mouth opens and my voice whispers it to myself…I want to kill myself

But I can’t, I won’t, I’ve made promises to myself, my husband, my family, and God.

I’m scared deep down in my soul. I’ve spent my whole life saying those swords to myself…with only months, days, seconds … as brief reprieves.

It would be ungrateful, selfish to my husband, family, dogs, and cowardly.

I just get so tired of the thoughts, the pressure, the overwhelming sadness, the weight of everything…

My time is not done…there is still much to do and say…a life to live…I can’t keep pissing each day away in this prison inside my head…

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