Biggest Secret in the room 6/21/2018

“You never want to be the person with the biggest secret in the room.” – a quote from one of my previous bosses.

Lately, I have been the person with the biggest secret in the room. I hide behind smiles, turn conversations away from myself, and say I’m fine.

I am turning inward and retreating into myself. As I pass through the maze that is my mind, I latch windows and lock doors. I internalize everything and seek out the numbness that keeps me sane.

The one thing I cannot lockout is the nightmares. They are always there waiting for me to reach max capacity. They seep into the cracks of my carefully crafted facade waiting for me to slip into unconsciousness. The minute my mind relaxes they attack in full force. All my fears, insecurities, and unresolved issues band together to invade my dreams.

The past repeats itself in my head. I awake in a cold sweat less rested than when I shut my eyes.

Awkward Pauses & Conversations 06/16/18

I have been putting a playlist together for the last three hours. There are over a thousand songs on it. Think of it as my attempt at making a soundtrack for my life.

You call because you miss me and want to talk to me.

I don’t know what to say to you. What do you say to someone who has ripped your heart out so many times that there is nothing left but a gaping hole.

You say you love me. That you cant live without me. So many promises of being better, different and worthy of my love. There are 18 years that say otherwise. You are an addict (or so you claim) and your drug of

October 23, 2017 – How I find out about his current ex-mistress

It’s the day before my 37th Birthday. Due to issues in the past Mr F had given me his FB password. At the time Mr F is on deployment and I happen to be checking his account. I run across a person who tried to call him on FB. I notice she is online and message her via FB messenger under the guise that I am him. My sole intent is to determine/confirm an affair. I very quickly tell her who I am and what I’m doing.

Insults & Threats

The temporary restraining order was signed Friday afternoon. The Sheriffs were then given the order so it could be served.

Saturday I get the below text from one of her side accounts. She tried to get Mr F to add her to his FB with this “anonymous account” in the past.

Today (Monday) she sent me a FB message from her regular account (full name account) with a thinly veiled threat. This is in direct violation of the restraining order.

I blocked her and let Mr F know. He said he would let the judge know…

I have not harassed or said anything derogatory to her…but I guess if she can’t get to him she will try to get to me

I have blocked both of her accounts.

Little Sister

I have a sister. She is 15 years younger than me. I changed her diapers, made her bottles a night, and took her to/from daycare on the bus. She was practically my daughter when we were younger and as an adult she is my best friend. When her day goes wrong, she needs advice or help she calls me. Just like when she was a baby.

As I watch her wet her feet in the dating world…I am overcome with anxiety. She is young, sheltered and naive. Her heart is kind, compassionate, and sweet. I remember what it was like to be that young, trusting and innocent. My sister is so certain she can take care of herself and that we are all too protective.

How do I explain to her that the world is a rough place. That you have already met the person most likely to rape you. He is in your circle of friends and acquaintances. Or that even the best of friends can fail to act or take care of you…by being drunk too or lost in their own drama.

As an adult I have been raped several times. Once while I was passed out with my best friend in the room next to me – she was drunk too. Another time by a boyfriend who wouldn’t stop even when I asked him too. Still another time I was attacked walking to my car while I was in college.